Heated Conversations

Having been married for over 4 years, I still have a little here and there misunderstanding with my husband. I remember when we first got married; it was a whole new world for us because we come from different tribes and have been raised in different cultures. His culture demands so much reverence and respect in thoughts, words and deeds than mine, his parents way of life and method of raising him and his siblings differ greatly from my parent’s method of raising us. My dad and mom are very close to us, we talk, play and joke around a lot and I often address my parents with so may titles other than the conventional ‘mom or dad’.

My husband and I  have had our own talk about do’s and don’ts , likes and dislikes before getting married however you do not really discuss everything until a situation arises, I suppose that is why it is said that marriage is a journey, the first five years is still courtship because you are still learning and knowing each other.

 For me, it has been an interesting ride. My husband is opposite from me when it comes to dealing with misunderstanding or heated conversations. He is a reserved and ‘cool it off’ type of guy and I am more of dealing with it now and talking about it to reach an agreeable stand.

We have learnt that in marriage it is either we win or we win. There isn’t room for failure. We are on the same boat, on the same side of the fence and each others greatest fan. If we do not understand, we need to try and understand what the other person is saying, it’s not about who won, it’s about how will we win?

The origin of arguments is not really traced yet but from my own understanding, when we look at the home of Adam and Eve, the only time dis-unity came into their home was when Eve wondered away from Adam’s site and began talking with the enemy (the serpent). I ask all the time that what exactly happened for Eve to wonder away from Adam’s site. We may never know although I can assume they may have had a heated conversation or mis-understanding and Eve or Adam wanted to get away from each other or the situation and get some air like most couples do today. My question is this, if Eve hadn’t wondered away, will she have been tempted by the serpent and caused her whole generation to fall under a curse?

The bible speaks to us about submission and gives us women an example to follow in Proverbs 31. It also tells us in so many verses of the bible the power we have to tear down our home or build up our home. I will beg you to please go and seek out these verses and understand where your place is in the life of your husband, children and home.

 Heated conversation can be avoided. I see no benefit in an argument that goes beyond one can handle no matter your culture or upbringing. Heated conversations only destroy, it never builds. It gives room for either party to dwell on unnecessary things and say words that can never be taken back. It builds mistrust and disrespect because what we women may tend to do is call up a few available contacts and begin to air our ‘laundry’ to them.

The bible clearly warns us that we should be slow to anger and when angry, do not sin. It also tells us that we should not let the Sun go down on our anger. What this means to me is that anger is a spirit and it only breeds negativity inside if allowed to linger, so it is best for you to ensure that you solve the situation rather than sleep over it because the tendency to make it look bigger than it already seem may happen to us and come upon us if we do not nip it in the bud.

In my relationship, especially understanding the biblical view of arguments, I avoid any situation that could grow misunderstanding like a plague. I ask for God’s grace all the time to enable me clearly understand where my husband is coming from and to give me patience to hear his own part before jumping into conclusion. I pray constantly for submission and also for my role as his helper to be an easy burden to carry.

I do all this because I do not want a situation where our children will see us arguing or dis-respecting each other. I have a deeper spiritual understanding of what impact my marriage is meant to create and what impact I should have as a wife and mother so I take my God called roles very seriously and would avoid anything that would mock it up, even if it means dealing with me just to bring about divine peace in my home.

In all this, we cannot do anything unless God wills us. A relationship, not just an off and on type but a continuous relationship with God is key to living a life without heated arguments. Often times when I feel my husband isn’t understanding me, I run straight back to God because God made him and called him his son before he ever became my husband so God knows how to get to him than I will ever do because God said he has the heart of kings in his hands and my husband’s heart is in God’s hands.

 Now, 4 years on, I am able to deal better when the serpent crawls into my garden of Eden through any form of misunderstanding, I refuse to wonder away from my calling but adapt to the role that will help solve the situation, I can either be a listener, an encourager or just be still and quiet. I apologise even if it’s not my fault and forgive when it’s not my fault, I immediately move on to the next topic so that my relationship is not on pause but on play. I have practiced and still practicing this and can boldly say that arguments are rare in my home, which means the enemy is far from my home.

If you are having heated conversations, take a step back and talk to God about it first. Ask him to show you what the real issue is, you, your partner, an external party or the situation. If it is you, then you need to evaluate yourself and align your attitude and behaviours according to God’s words in the bible. You MUST be in tune with God and understand his ways and his words in the bible to fully access his knowledge for right living.

 Drop me an email if you need someone to talk to and pray with via walkwithme@dvsoul.org.uk.

 Anuli Ola-Olaniyi